Do you find communication skills to be challenging? There are many communication errors that cause problems in relationships. Sometimes it may be hard for you to connect with others. At other times, you may be misunderstood. Sometimes you may even find yourself in a conflict, even though you had good intentions.
How would your relationships be different if you knew how to get out of these relational ruts? When you get lost on a trip, a good map can help you get back on track again. Wouldn’t it be great if you had a similar way to get back on track when your communication skills got off track?
You don’t need to leave your communication skills to chance. There is no formula for every situation. But learning some basic principles can lead to great dividends. In turn, these communication skills can improve your relationships. While they take practice, the benefits can far exceed the costs.
Your Communication Skills Are Not As Good As You Think
So do your communication skills need improvement? The answer is yes. In fact, they’re probably much worse than you think!
How do I know? I know because you’re a human being – and all of us have room for improvement.
Likewise, you also have plenty of room for improvement in your listening skills.
The quest to develop good communication skills is a worthy cause. While you’ll never be perfect at it, the good news is you don’t have to be perfect at it. You just need to be willing to work at it, and learn from your inevitable mistakes.
But do you have humility? If not, then you might want to start developing some. For you’re unlikely to learn effective communication skills without some self-examination. After all, if others are always the source of the problem, why would you want to work on yourself?
In contrast, a healthy dose of humility can go a long way in learning good communication skills. If you’re willing to take a look at your shortcomings, you’ll be more open to learning new ways of doing things. With persistent practice, you can soon be on your way to having better relationships.
How Do You React to Conflict?
One of the best tests of your communication skills is your ability to handle conflict.
It’s rather easy to relate to others when you’re getting along with them. In a perfect world, that would always be the case. If you’re in a healthy relationship with someone, you should be getting along most of the time.
But we live in an imperfect world, with imperfect people. Unless you’re a total recluse, you will encounter conflict with others sooner or later. In turn, how you handle conflicts says a lot about your communication skills.
Does the way you handle conflict tend to make the situation better, or worse?
If you’re like most people, there are common mistakes you’ll tend to make during a conflict. When you’re in a conflict with someone, anger can sometimes get the best of you. At such times, you’ll be at risk of saying or doing the first things that pop into your head. Have you ever noticed what happens when you do that during a conflict? If you’re at all like me, it almost never makes things better, and almost always makes things worse.
But perhaps you have many good reasons to be angry at the other person. Other than acting on your impulses, you may think that your only option is to sweep your feelings under the rug. But that doesn’t work over the long term. If you sweep your feelings under the rug again and again, the day will come when you will blow up again.
What, then, is the alternative?
Why It’s Better to Respond to Conflict – Not React
Reacting and responding are two different ways of handling conflict. While the differences may be subtle, they can make a substantial impact on the outcome of a conflict.
When you react to conflict, you act on your impulses. At such times, you say and do the first things that occur to you. This can be a good thing if you’re feeling kind and loving towards someone. But when you’re angry at someone, it is one of the worst things you can do.
When you’re angry at someone, you’re likely to say or do things that only add fuel to the fire and make things worse.
This includes:
- Yelling
- Criticizing
- Judging
- Accusing
- Insulting
- Making Threats
In turn, the other person is likely to react in kind. Matters can quickly escalate between you and the other person. You’ll go around in a vicious circle, if not a downward spiral.
In contrast, responding to conflict involves giving some thought to what you say. Sometimes you only need to think about what to say for a few seconds. In other cases, you may need to spend minutes or hours thinking about how to respond – maybe even days. The point is to think before you speak.
While it takes effort thinking before you speak can go a long way when you’re angry. It also greatly increases the chance that your conflict will end well.
The Benefits of Being Quick to Listen, and Slow to Speak
Another key to good communication skills is learning the fine art of listening.
Good listening does a lot to resolve conflict, especially when it also includes empathy. Empathy involves listening to understand, not just to respond.
You don’t have to agree with someone to understand them. Agreeing with someone and understanding their point-of-view are two different things. But to see things the way someone else see them, you need to put your point-of-view aside. A few minutes spent doing this can boost your level of empathy.
When you take the time to understand, many good things happen.
For one, the other person tends to calm down when they feel heard.
Second, you’ll be in a much better position to respond to the conflict. How can you address the other person’s thoughts and feelings if you don’t understand them? You can’t. If you don’t get what the other person said, your response will be a shot in the dark.
Third, when you hear someone out, you give yourself the time and space to think before you speak. In turn, you’ll be more likely to use good communication skills when you do open your mouth. What’s more, others are more apt to listen to you when you’ve taken the time to hear out him or her first.
When all these factors are in place, you’ll be likely to have a healthy conflict that leads to resolution When you combine good listening and communication skills, conflict tends to be productive.
The conflict may even go away altogether once the air is cleared. Many conflicts are simply misunderstandings between two people.
But are you willing to take the high road, even if the other person is trying to sling mud at you? At such times, you may have to resist the temptation to retaliate against the other person. But if you listen and respond well, the other person is likely to come around and meet you in the middle. As the old saying goes, what goes around comes around.
Conclusion
One of the biggest challenges in relating to other people is conflict. Healthy relationships tend to have less conflict than unhealthy ones. But conflict is almost inevitable in any significant relationship. And that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.
Two factors have a strong influence on conflict, for better or worse. One of the most important factors is the degree to which you respond as opposed to react to the other person. Reacting is acting on impulses; responding involves thinking before you speak.
The other important factor is how well you listen to the other person. People tend to calm down when they feel heard. You’ll be much better able to respond if you understand the other person first. Effective responding is not possible without good listening.
All this is easier said than done – which is why it requires study, persistence, and practice.
Are you feeling stuck in a difficult relationship you are in right now? If so, professional help can improve your communication skills. Even if you’re making progress on your own, coaching will speed up your progress.
Contact me if you’d like help in this process. You may also want to read more about my thoughts on relationship counseling. Other articles on my blog may also be relevant to your current situation.
What communication skills are the hardest for you?
